doomsday
short fiction
“It’s stupid, really. That’s how I feel. I feel stupid as fuck.”
I swipe a hand across my eyes and huff into the darkness. May tightens her grip on the steering wheel and hums. I don’t know if she wants me to say more. I say more.
“I can’t believe I was dancing to Charlie XCX earlier. Now, I’m listening to Jessica Pratt.”
“No use in catastrophizing. I mean, it could mean nothing.”
“And it could mean everything! I don’t just put myself out there. That’s not something I do! And now I’ve embarrassed myself and I don’t know if I’ll ever recover.”
Trees pass by as the car picks up speed. We had plans to go out tonight, go drinking. But, we’d both had a string of bad luck. So, May and I thought it best to wallow on the Texas highway.
“It’s like I put my pussy on a platter. And nothing.”
The song changes. Something entirely too light. I fast forward. Something somber. Good.
“I can’t eat. I can’t really sleep. I don’t even enjoy watching television and you know that’s my favorite thing to do. I haven’t gotten this bad since freshman year. And now, here I am. It’s like nothing’s changed.”
May groans.
“I can’t believe they slept together. She knew how much I hated that man and she just…went behind my back and slept with him.”
“She’s a whore. She’s a sex addict.”
“I know.”
“Don’t blame her too much.”
May makes a sharp turn. “I will. Because in this case, she knew exactly what she was doing. He didn’t fucking coerce her. He’s ugly as hell, so macho he might as well be gay, and just….insufferable.”
“It sounds like you like him.”
“Well, did I tell you how he said all I had to do was apologize to him?”
I laugh. “Apologize for what?”
“For saying that shit about his genealogy. I’m sorry that I’m an anthro secondary major and I actually know how genetics and geography work! Sue me!”
She hits the steering wheel then barks a laugh.
“And he said, if I admitted I was wrong, he’d forgive me.”
“How noble of him.”
Silence for a moment. I check my phone even though it makes me sick. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
We pass an abandoned house. A shack, really. Grass overgrown, a rusty truck. That’s how I feel right now. I feel empty, used, tossed aside. Entirely forgotten.
“I should just crash this car,” May says with excitement. “If I crash and put us both in the hospital, then she’d feel bad.”
I turn the music down.
“Maybe don’t crash the car.”
“Yeah, but what if I did?”
The speedometer rises, the needle bouncing, climbing higher and higher. For a moment, I imagine if she did crash the car. She’d fly through the windshield, her body wrapping itself around a tree. A smile would be on her face, something sick and satisfied. She’d win, even in death.
Me? I’d probably get decapitated by a part of the car. Maybe my body would roll onto the street and possums would eat me. Or maybe I’d stay buckled, my head stuck somewhere. The windshield perhaps? Blood would rush down my cheeks, cracks of glass would surround my hairline like sun rays.Like Madonna. Could I be a madonna in death? Or would I be a discarded jezebel?
I remember how May wanted to jump out a window once. And I laughed at the absurdity. Said that before she killed herself, she might as well put me in her will.
I’m not laughing as much right now.
“Maybe we should pull over.”
“She’d feel so bad.”
“Let’s pull over.”
The slushie in my lap is completely slop. Blue and red doesn’t make purple. It’s brown. I flick the straw around with my tongue and ponder on possibly dying. It doesn’t seem so bad. Maybe it’d make him feel bad? Maybe? Maybe May was right? Maybe this was what we needed to do. We needed to make others feel bad because we felt forgotten.
I look over at her. She hunches towards the wheel, eyebrows knitted.
“My stomach is in knots. My fingers are tingling.”
“Mine too.”
“Why does it hurt so bad?”
“I don’t know. Maybe God hates us.”
“We’re Black, aren’t we? I wouldn’t be surprised,” May chuckles.
“Or maybe He loves us so much that he weeds out the nasty things. And protects us? I’d like to believe that.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
The needle spikes.
“And maybe…it’s our job to stay here and see how good things could get?”
Brown becomes gray. I slurp at the sludge. My knees ache and the back of my neck prickles with gooseflesh.
“I just thought we could be happy. For once.”
“Me too.”
May leans back, the needle drops a little. She bursts into tears and I put my hand on her knee. My eyes burn.
“How could she do this to me?”
“Don’t focus on her. Focus on you.”
“I can’t.”
“Well, I’ll focus on you. You feel bad now but you won’t feel bad forever.”
“Was that supposed to be a pep talk?”
I shrug and look straight ahead.
“I’m not great at giving comfort. I’d rather receive it.”
“You’re pretty. Probably too good for him. He has a small dick. He’s short.”
“Not very comforting. And I didn’t even get to see his dick. But, thanks for the effort.”
The car slows. I let out a breath.
I turn towards her fully, my back popping. I hadn’t realized how tense I was. She wipes her tears away and sighs, laughing a little in embarrassment.
We run over something small. A rock, probably. It flicks off the back end of the car.
“It was nice while it lasted, you know,” I say. “The levity.”
May says nothing. The car slows to respectable.
I roll the window down and inhale the fresh air. It’s damp, having just rained a few hours ago.
My phone buzzes in my lap.
It’s an email about my next therapy session. It’s been canceled.
I rest my head on the door.
“Yeah. Nice while it lasted,” I mumble.